A New Partner

Eventually after divorce, most parents find that they are able to move on with their lives and rebuild a whole new future for themselves. This often involves finding someone new. Once you become serious about the new partner you may reach the point where you want to live together. This is actually a popular choice instead of remarrying; certainly before remarrying it seems to have become a pre-requisite prior to making that final decision.

When you’ve finally found someone you love and you’ve been taking it slow and keeping to all the other sensible guidelines and it’s still holding up and seeming like the real thing; now you’re faced with another decision.

Moving in together after a divorce sounds like the logical thing to do with a loved one. It surely appears to be the next step. That way you get to know each other even better whilst you share your life with them.

There is nothing wrong with this desire, this need to get closer to your loved one and learn more about them is perfectly normal.  However, if you have minor children from your first marriage who are living with you, bringing someone new into the equation could bring its own set of complications.

Minor children from a previous relationship, are intensely affected by this decision. Further, your decision to live with a new partner could also have quite an impact on your Ex.

Decisions, Decisions

If you’re wondering how to decide, then firstly really examine your feelings about this new person. You may have known them for a long time but they are still a new person when they fully enter yours and your children’s lives. So assess your relationship and analyse the situation.

Next step is to fully evaluate the relationship that has developed between this new person and your children. You need to ask yourself if they’ve had sufficient time to get to know each other. Think about whether or not your children feel comfortable around the new person and if they are friendly towards each other. Then decide if this new love of yours is a good role model, and ask yourself if they have the proper skills to take care of your children.

The person that moves in with you will naturally assume a parental role – whether you like it or not. So, if your children are not happy or comfortable with that person, you will be creating a very difficult situation for them – and yourself and your new partner.

Did you or maybe a relative or friend grow up in a similar situation perhaps? If so, the memories are very helpful points for you to consider when making this decision. If not, then just think about how you would feel as a child in these circumstances: if someone you didn’t know was exercising authority over you and living in your home. You would be very unhappy and you would feel powerless to do anything about it. You would probably feel resentful and you might also begin doubting the love of your parent for you.

So consider that while you have spent a lot of time with your new partner, your children haven’t. It’s best to have your partner and children get to know each other and to really feel happy and safe with each other before moving on to the next step.

Making It Work

Talk to your children about your new partner moving in with you. Set some boundaries for everyone. Your children should be made aware that they are to show respect to this new person. Your partner should be advised to take things slowly, one step at a time, with your children.

Household ground rules always help, so draw up a few and discuss them with all concerned in the house. The partner should respect your children’s need for privacy – this includes not entering their rooms without their permission. The children should know that when you aren’t at home then the partner is the adult in charge – to be obeyed.

It takes time to adjust to any new situation – and this one in particular has more than its fair share of obstacles; but it can be done, and in time it could be a huge success.

Future Focus

Unless your Ex is an exceptional person and already knows your partner well, they will probably be very concerned and annoyed about the new living situation. This is a perfectly natural reaction and, confronted with the same situation, you would probably feel the same.

It would make things a lot easier if your Ex got to know your new partner: after all, the Ex is showing natural concern for the children. Your Ex also has concerns that they will be replaced by the new partner in the children’s affections. You need to reassure your Ex that this could never happen.

Finally, you should remember at all times that you’re not simply making choices for yourself, but also for your children. The home is where your children learn most of their lessons for future life. It’s vital that the atmosphere within is one of harmony and that is beneficial to the happiness, safety and growth of your children.