SAM’S STORY

None of the stories on your Website can compare to mine. I like to think I’m ordinary – just like them – but I’m not – I’m a newly divorced gay man.

When I met Carl, I thought I was ready for a serious relationship but not really sure - mid thirties is a scary and vulnerable age. We met at a party, and although I wasn’t desperate, I guess I was a little lonely. Anyway, he wasn’t quite my type; a little rough around the edges perhaps.

He really liked me - was all over me, wouldn’t leave me alone. It was ego boosting and re-assuring. He embarrassed me a little when we dined out because his table manners weren’t the best to put it mildly but…. What the heck… He had his own business, he had money, he said he was moving up in the world and wanted to take me with him. Why not, I thought. After a few months we moved in together.

Right from the start we bickered and had spats that turned into big arguments. Often we fought so badly there was door slamming, violent swearing and throwing things. Sometimes he stayed out all night, or even moved out for a few days, but I thought we were adjusting because neither of us had experienced a live-in relationship before.

There were other things he did that I really didn’t like. He put me down in public and tried to ridicule me to make himself look more important. This upset me a lot: I couldn’t really retaliate in public and people ended up getting the wrong impression of me. At the same time he looked more silly than sensible but his friends just thought he was funny. I hated being the entertainment for his guests but I shrugged it off and told myself I could change him later. Of course he wouldn’t talk about such things – the fault was mine he told me. He just got worse - spiteful and malicious, and he hurt others as well as me.

I didn’t like his family – they embarrassed me as much as he did. They seemed to like me but were awkward with me and they were always freeloading, so it was really difficult. He liked my family I think, but he was his usual upsetting, badly behaved self with them and what’s worse, he tried to take over and make out like he belonged and not me.

With friends it was the same – all his. They pitched up without warning whenever they chose – just like his family. My friends didn’t like him. He embarrassed them and they felt he wasn’t good enough for me – just as my family believed. I started seeing my friends alone which he resented – so more fights.

He visited me at work and again it was the same story. I left two jobs because of him but I realised I had to resign myself to this because he would never change.

In time we fought even more and there were terrible atmospheres. He moved out for a few days or into the spare room. He would hit me but when I hit him back he would take offence and tell everyone and sulk for days. Then he would hit me in front of his friends and I knew I couldn’t hit him back after all the things he’d said about me. After really bad fights, when he’d moved out and returned, he would be different. There’d be a mark on his neck – which he said he’d got from shaving – or some other little thing, sign or scratch, or something he’d say and I would wonder if he’d been unfaithful to me. I asked him but he always denied it and was hurt later.

Frequently thinking of leaving him, I became withdrawn and apprehensive. I’d had a little inheritance money put away in a special account and in a mad moment had let him borrow it for some business venture; but we’d drawn up no documents. When I asked for it back he’d said it was a gift and I must first prove he’d got it otherwise. Then I realised that almost everything I had was either in his name or had been used up, given away or broken. For the longest time I felt I couldn’t leave him because I was penniless and maybe wouldn’t be able to support myself if I lived alone.

One day I decided to really break up with him. For me it was over. I felt far too demoralised and insecure. I’d talked about it with him many times and he’d sulked or persuaded me to stay but this time I was really going. Quite suddenly, out of the blue, he popped the question. Marriages between gay people had just become legal in South Africa. I was bowled over and re-assured with this. I thought he would be different so… we got married.

I won’t bore you with the details but, once we were married he just got worse. There was no stopping him. He was brutish, abusive physically, emotional and mentally and that was in private. In public he was even worse – out of control. He was a monster. He told lies about me behind my back and told lies to me about himself. He needed help – counselling – but wouldn’t go. He laughed at me when I threatened divorce he said no one would help me, they would all laugh at me. He said marriage had just been legalised, who would listen to me? Worse still, he said that because he was a business man he could turn any lawyer against me.

Today I know differently. Today I know there are good Divorce Attorneys out there who don’t laugh at Gays and don’t rip us off because we’re gay. My Attorney treated my problem seriously and was constructive, sympathetic and resourceful in his approach. Through him, I started getting back myself respect and a sense of dignity I’d somehow lost. He looked after my interests and I don’t fear the future alone anymore. The laugh of it all is I didn’t go to a woman or a gay Attorney.Contact UNow!

< Prev		Next >