Infidelity is probably the biggest breakup factor in marriage. A crisis has occurred – one spouse has cheated on the other: and irrespective of where you got married – a vow has been broken.

The First Cut is the Deepest

Infidelity rips and shreds unity apart.  In most cases it shatters the marriage irreparably and only occasionally do the original couple make a successful enough effort that gets the marriage back on track.

Infidelity in marriage brings about guilt, shock, anger, failure, and, in some cases retaliation.  Negative emotions are unpleasant and unhealthy. Ask yourself the question: can this be overcome?  Only a yes or no answer is acceptable.  It is incredibly hard for you but think it through: if you can bring yourself to forgive the guilty:  get past the shock by understanding better; deal with the anger, disappointment and frustration; and understand the reason for failure: then maybe forgiveness can be reached.  To retaliate by deliberately having an affair to spite the offending spouse is wrong and must be avoided at all costs.

Humpty Dumpty?

When someone dismantles a car engine, a computer or the washing machine – it was easy enough to take apart but looking at all the pieces and parts, one is so confused as to how to put it all back together again that one just walks away and leaves it. Similarly are we confused how to repair the marriage after infidelity has taken place. Some - but very few - will rise to the challenge of the work ahead and apply themselves with their hearts and souls.

Reasons Given for Affairs

Not finding that sense of fulfilment that one wants from a relationship. Disappointment in the marriage /relationship. More a lack of happiness than unhappiness;

Desiring to experience sexual variety;

A deep rooted, even sub-conscious, wish to inflict pain on the partner;

Some strange intention to make the partner jealous – though it’s unclear how this could have any benefit for either of them;

Not using self restraint when an opportunity for emotional/sexual involvement is offered by another person. This isn’t sex addiction but selfishness. Most of us are faced with tempting opportunities for brief, enjoyable encounters but the cost of self indulgence is too high – say NO;

Another lame excuse is - ‘we fell out of love but I still have needs’. If you’ve grown apart, re-establish and maintain a loving relationship. It will need a lot of work on both your parts but, if there ever was real love, it can be regained and developed, - don’t abandon it;

Sexual incompatibility sounds strange because if in the first place the couple were sexually compatible then this could only change due to an illness of a physical or psychological nature which altered one of them;

They feel entitled to have an affair because their partner has been sexually unfaithful. It is unclear how this would alter their situation except to make it worse. Entitled to cheat? Grow up! Two wrongs don’t make a right;

Alcohol or drug addiction, or severe mental illness, or other situations arise which can cause drastic change within that partner and make the other person feel unable to obtain sexual or emotional fulfilment from their partner. They are reluctant to abandon them while they may still need help and support, but might possibly look elsewhere for sexual and emotional involvement.

More Pleasure Focused – Less Self Disciplined

Our society has changed and we no longer hold marriage in all the sanctity we once did. We have become more self obsessed; more pleasure focused; and less self disciplined. Societal norms are directed towards the immediate situation and our own happiness. Loyalty, faithfulness and devotion to our partners drag their heels way back towards the bottom of the list, along with good intentions and the misconception that it really wasn’t your fault and one-off things don’t count.

Marriages don’t last; divorces are easy and the norm. So that marriages are becoming the same as purchases – if it doesn’t do for you what you wanted it to, then take it back, get rid of it, swap it for something else that might be more to your liking.

Life is faster – especially when both partners work full-time. With less time to spend bonding and more stress at work and financially keeping the family together, a feeling of the ease of solitary development grows and appears more and more attractive.

Marrying too young presents a risk as neither partner is emotionally mature and thus their skills at jointly solving problems are severely limited.

Unrealistic Expectations

We need to accept that the feeling of ‘in love’ we had at the beginning of the relationship will probably fade and become something deeper and more enduring as the relationship develops. It will grow and begins the ebb and flow it will possibly sustain to the end of its term.

Our brainwashing is that we must find a soul-mate with whom we should enter into a relationship of perfection. This, however, is not the movies or some fairy-tale – it is real life. Although dreaming is fantastic – that’s just what it is – fantasy. Don’t let’s have unrealistic expectations about something as important as a relationship. Discuss this first with your partner before things go too far.

Development of Desire

Typically there are several stages that lead up to a full blown affair. There are warning signs at every stage that we chose to ignore – but the choice is ours.

In the beginning you meet another person – maybe at work, the gym, your club, anywhere – and you form an emotional connection. There’s something about them that you like. You find yourself seeking them out; and wanting to spend more time in their company. You talks about your personal life - maybe provide emotional support for the other one…who is grateful…very mild flirting begins.

The friendship starts to develop into a relationship. Somehow, without discussing it with each other, it seems you’ve agreed to keep your friendship a secret. Now it’s become conspiratorial and you certainly wouldn’t tell your spouse or most of your friends about it. Now you absolutely know that a boundary has been crossed. You aren’t just friends or colleagues. You constantly think about the other person; you fantasise about them; and somehow, a secret relationship has developed. These clandestine liaisons are always more arousing. They capture your attention; occupy your thoughts; put butterflies in your stomach and excite you with anticipation.

Soon your close friends become suspicious that something is going on. You find more excuses to meet the other person more often and for longer periods of time. You start lying about what you’re doing – both to others and yourself. You feel heightened excitement in the other person’s presence and find yourselves ‘accidentally’ touching each other.

Finally the relationship cannot be denied and becomes intense, emotional and sexual. You feel excited and happy and guilty all at the same time. You can no longer deny or hide the fact that something has changed.