Once you’re started divorce proceedings – especially if your spouse is having or has had an affair – you may feel entitled to embark on one of your own – please try to refrain from retaliating in a similar manner!

Dating during divorce can be difficult for both you and your children and also, be honest, your emotions are raw – you are simply not ready and could easily be inflicting pain on someone else – and that’s unfair.

Enraging Your Spouse

To start seeing someone else during divorce proceedings could enrage your spouse to the extent of them trying to make your life hell. You need all the co-operation you can get from your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, and rubbing salt into their wounds will ensure their anger towards you and they’ll probably seek revenge by causing you pain and embarrassment somewhere in the near future over something important to you in the divorce proceedings. No matter if they’ve been involved in one or many affairs during your marriage, they will still feel enraged and wronged and find some way to even the score by fighting with you through their Attorneys.

Upsetting the Children

Further, remember that this will affect your children – if you have them. So, try as best you can to remain reasonably pleasant with your spouse as you will most likely have to maintain an ongoing association with them regarding the children for many years after the divorce. Don’t muddy the waters of the future for the sake of instant self gratification - you could bring upon yourself years of misery and hardship just because you flaunted something and they retaliated in a spiteful way. Your divorce will be forever and your affair probably won’t be.

At least consider not dating until you and your spouse have actually agreed that the marriage is over and are preferably not living together anymore. Once you are living apart then again, if you have minor children, please handle things with the utmost propriety.

Your Extra Marital Date

If your spouse becomes really vindictive, and they have evidence, they could consider suing the person with whom you’re having the affair, for alienation of affection. This will put your date right in the middle of your divorce – bye bye love, bye bye happiness – the end of your new relationship.

If you have minor children from the marriage, this could have an effect on the case. Both your own and your spouse’s conduct will fall under scrutiny – as will also the behaviour of your respective relationship partners. Should anyone you are dating having a dodgy past, i.e. previous issues of domestic violence, charges of sexual misconduct, etc, it could be used against you.

Divorce Dating

This is basically for some relief during your emotional roller coaster of divorce. Divorces tend to make one feel unloved; undesired; unattractive; a failure; rejected; and uninteresting. Having the attentions of someone of the opposite sex can be wonderful for the esteem, boost the self confidence and make you feel on top of the world again. You are being swept off your feet because you want to feel needed and wanted and desired.

While it may serve as a distraction and help you with some of the pain of your divorce; this is only delaying you having to face those emotions. Further, you are not being fair to the person with whom you’ve started this new relationship. If they are in the same situation as you then they could be just as flaky – so understand that this new alliance isn’t genuine for either of you and probably won’t last much beyond the divorces. If the new attraction in your life is in a more stable situation that yourself then you are actually being unfair and selfish.

Unfortunately, you’re not emotionally ready to handle a new liaison and, until you’ve dealt with all the issues that caused the end of your marriage, you’re not in a position to start some new relationship. So, cut the fantasy and settle down to living alone for a little while until you’ve dealt with the death of your marriage and then you can start thinking about looking for another partner.

If The New Love Is The True Love?

You’re not actually in a position to know this because while you’re going through a divorce you’re emotions are shot, shredded and suspect: so you’re not in a mental state to make permanent choices – even if you’ve been separated or lived separate lives for a long time. Most polls show that the first relationship a person enters into either during or after a divorce doesn’t have much chance of survival and doesn’t end in marriage.

If this person really is the love of your life – as opposed to the person you are getting divorced from – then they’ll wait for you. The best thing you can do is postpone the relationship until the divorce is all over and you’ve worked through all of your emotions and then, if you still both feel the same way about each other, maybe you do have a chance at happiness with this other person.

Determined to Date During Divorce?

Talk it over with your Attorney – they are the ones who are in a position to advise you on this matter and, maybe your affair won’t have much effect on your case if you’ve been apart for years. However, listen to them and obey whatever they instruct you to do. Even then, don’t discuss your Attorney’s advice with anyone else and don’t allow your relationship to be obvious in public. It could be that your particular divorce takes much longer than expected – nevertheless, all of the foregoing is still relevant and you must have patience.

Just remember, if it turns out that you might be giving your spouse an advantage by openly dating during divorce; then don’t.  It isn’t worth sacrificing your tomorrows on a new relationship until all your yesterdays are left behind in the past.