Parents and children can suffer intense, lasting, negative emotions which are brought on by the stress of separation and divorce. It is normal to have feelings of resentment and anger between the parents – which creates friction amongst them and makes co-parenting more of a confrontational issue than a challenge. There are ways of handling this and one really good one is to take time and identify the potential difficulties in the co-parenting. By doing this, it will enable you to confront these issues which will, hopefully, make the divorce easier on the children involved.

Handling Emotions

Regardless of their ages, children of divorcing parents usually experience negative emotions associated with the divorce. Some of the more common ones for children are identified as feelings of sadness, frustration, anger and anxiety. Their parents have their own emotions to deal with - such as anger, betrayal or sadness, depending on the situation surrounding the separation or divorce.

Oftentimes, the parents don’t realise that their children are just as susceptible to depression as they are and consequently become self involved – leaving their stress laden and guilt ridden children to fend for themselves.

Realising that it’s a difficult time for both themselves and their children goes a long way to handling the situation. Dealing with their emotions and their children's, becomes an issue for divorcing parents. Keeping their own feelings under control, particularly the negative feelings they experience toward their ex, benefits the kids. A good positive step to take is to convince the children that the divorce was not the children’s fault.  Talking about the emotions and even a visiting or two to a Counsellor or Therapist could well help the kids to process their respective divorce experiences.

Discipline

A difference of opinion on the disciplining of their children – between divorcing parents during a separation or divorce - could cause a serious issue. If there is inconsistency in the divorcing parents discipline system it will send the children mixed signals and may cause them to challenge one or both parents. It is a good idea to make time to discuss your differences in discipline style so as to find some common ground and consistency. Perhaps a visit to a Counsellor or Mediator may offer some guidance in managing discipline differences.

Condoned Conduct

If the parents disagree on the types of activities in which they will allow their children to engage – this could be another bone of contention. Perhaps one parent is more lenient than the other, or wants to score points with the children, and is therefore inclined to turn a blind eye to certain conduct. A good example would be in the case of a teenage girl dressing a little too old or provocatively; or a teenage boy smoking or drinking. The more reserved parent will doubtless become extremely upset. Just as in the case of Discipline (above), talking about what types of conduct will be condoned results in more parenting consistency – and harmony for both parents and children.

Special Occasions

A good deal of discussion, planning and forethought needs to be applied to primary residence and contact with the children. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions should be discussed in detail. A roster must be drawn up as to which parent will see the children and when. Taking turns and diarising helps, but there will probably be those times when both parents want to be present. This forward planning will alleviate some of the stress.

Child Adjustment

A divorce can turn into a child’s worst nightmare – and often does. Suddenly their living arrangements, daily routines and other basic elements in their lives are turned upside-down. They might have difficulty adjusting to the new family structure. Going back and forth between two different homes also creates a feeling of instability in some children. Be aware and be kind.

Medical, Educational, Religious Decisions

When parents are divorced or separated, many decisions in a child's life become more complicated. The more tension there is between the parents because of the separation or divorce, the more difficulty there will be in agreeing on decisions, such as appropriate medical care, school choice or the type of religious experience the child should have. If the parents have vastly different opinions on these and other similar matters, if might be a good idea to get some professional mediation in order to arrive at a realistic compromise on these importance topics.

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