Never Ending Story

This is a continuous debate regarding divorce and children. While some divorces are more hurtful to children than others and some turn out to be of more benefit to the interests of the children concerned while some proceedings turn out more beneficial to the interests of children. There is no cut and dried, hard and fast answer to this question. A primary consideration when weighing the pros and cons of divorce would be what impact maintaining the marriage would have on them.

Effects

The Good

If the divorcing couples can maintain a level of politeness and respect with each other throughout the process; if they also have healthy individual relationships with their children; and if they have developed a mutually agreeable parenting plan; then the children could well end up in a better emotional position after the divorce.

The Bad

It is true to say that a divorce can affect the whole family. Clearly, those who are most hurt are the children – irrespective of their ages.

Consider that as a result of the conflict of divorce:

• a young recently toilet-trained child might well return to bed wetting
• children with good table manners and eating habits might start throwing food and tantrums or even refusing to eat
• the oldest child has often been known to assume part of the role and some of the responsibilities of the absent parent

The Ugly

Divorcing couples need to be warned that they should never, ever, under any circumstances whatever, use their children as:

• negotiating tools during their breakup or their divorce.
• an audience before whom they vent their frustrations about the marriage breakup
• a means of communicating with their spouse

Your children are innocent bystanders who find themselves caught in the crossfire. They are not tools, sounding boards or carrier pigeons. It is important for parent to realise that by drawing children into the divorce conflict between themselves, they are turning their children into victims and thus representing the greatest potential for harm to their kids.

A Theory

There is a theory that divorcing parents may behave however they chose in front of their children just as long as they seek the services of a Counsellor or Therapist who specialises in assisting children. This is not the case. Whilst a professional would be helpful to the children’s transition through the conflict induced stress, the parents cannot find absolution for their bad behaviour this way. No matter what the circumstances, parents must always conduct themselves responsibly where children are concerned.

Loss of Rights

Part of the negative effect that children of divorced parents suffer is a loss of rights to choose where they spend their holidays – and with whom. It might sound arbitrary initially, but on closer inspection consider that their summer holidays - which used to be spent having fun with friends – now often begin with a journey to the other parent. Whether it’s an airplane flight, a train or bus ride or a car journey, makes no difference – it’s a visitation that was set up by their parents and in which they had little or no say.

Unless this is handled correctly, negative emotions can rise to the fore and the parent being visited could well have their hands full, for example:

• The youngest child could become confused and cry at bedtime when the other parent isn’t there to tuck him in
• The middle child could feel rejected when a parent fails to appear at their ball game or school play, or fails to show up on a visitation day
• Children do become confused and they can turn angry and bitter – often at the wrong parent and continue by blaming that parent for the breakup.

School

It is a well known and documented fact that the school grades of children of divorced parents can and do suffer. It is the result of them being unable to concentrate. They spend time daydreaming instead of studying – trying to work out what caused the divorce. They will often place the blame firmly upon themselves. Consequently, a child who was excelling academically might start failing. Sometimes it is because the missing parent is the one who helped them with their homework.

Children are extremely sensitive and aware. They will know if the bills are piling up and not being paid and they will worry as a result of this fact.

If the parent with whom they live has to work at two jobs and thus spend less time with the children – they will suffer because of the lack of contact with that parent.

Lastly, it is not unusual for them to start isolating themselves from friends and other students and becoming depressed.

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