It Can Be Done

Emotional and fraught with stress though it may be, if there are children involved, then it’s a good idea to stay friends during and after the divorce. It may seem impossible at times but it will certainly make your transition smoother and your life happier.

Experts tell us that divorcing couples experience a vast variety of meaningful life changes and adjustments after their marriage is terminated. They also add that after the divorce couples must continually make an effort to work on these adjustments as separate individuals prior to successfully pursuing a friendly relationship with each other – or, for that matter – even co-parenting with the former spouse. However, we are reassured that despite the difficulties of ending a marriage and embarking on a new life as a single person, countless couples manage this quite well and establish amicable relationships post divorce.

Set Ground Rules

This is a good idea – but you must follow them. For example:

• Don’t ask questions about each other’s dating lives
• Plan carefully ahead to decide about contact with the children and also when both of you should be included
• In friendships there is an expression of affection and your friendship will be no different – however, it is important to create limits and stick to them
• Agree on what activities can and cannot be shared – maybe you continue going to the same church but perhaps choose different gyms

Boundaries are safer and make one feel more comfortable.

Avoid Bad Mouthing Your Ex

At no time should you bad mouth or gossips about your ex-spouse. Obviously there will be times when you are with shared friends and family members – who incidentally also feel the effects of your divorce. You can make things more pleasant and easier to bear for everyone involved by stopping the gossip and setting a brighter, more positive tone to the conversation. So that if you hear any complaints or bitchy remarks about your ex-spouse, you can either leave that conversation immediately or make it clear by saying you refuse to criticise your ex. It puts out a message that cannot be misunderstood, keeps your integrity intact and guilt at bay.

Be Persistently Positive

Don’t sit around mourning the loss of your marriage and blaming yourself or your ex-spouse. Accept that it’s over and focus on the positives.  A good idea is to make a list of all the things that you can now do in your newly-single state. Maybe you could arrange some fun outings with your girl or guy friends. Perhaps find a new hobby. This change in your marital status is the right time to reinvent yourself instead of wallowing in sorrow.

Leave The Past In The Past

Put away old photographs and mementos of your relationship and leave the past in the past. You have a new, post-divorce, relationship which is completely different. If you have children you can always store the photos and mementos in safe-keeping for them for later. In the meantime, this is about your new future. You might even consider redecorating your home to reflect your new style of single life – it just might help you move forward.

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