You’re Normal

Even if you started the process, Divorce is a huge loss in your life. The split – for whatever reasons – may have been the best choice you could make, however, it is still painful. Suddenly you have to deal with big changes in your life. You’re alone now – no companionship from another person. Your living arrangements are different. Your financial situation has altered.

You will probably feel like a failure; you might feel lonely; and undoubtedly you’ll experience quite a range of other negative emotions. Don’t be alarmed, you’re going through the various stages of a divorce induced grieving process,

We are all human and we react. Sudden, drastic and negative changes in our lives do cause grief. Whether or not your divorce is sudden or the result of a long and painful breakdown of the relationship – when it happens, we humans feel terrible.

We are told by authors and experts on the subject that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel too much – but how much is too much? To each of us it is a unique experience and intensity of emotions are different for each of us. We at DIY Divorce are of the opinion that to spend time qualifying and quantifying one’s emotions is also dangerous. Just try to accept that you will probably experience rollercoaster emotions for a while – that’s a normal part of the process. What follows should help you understand those various feelings and therefore assist you to cope.

Shock or Disbelief

Maybe you’ve known for a long time that your marriage is beyond saving. Yet when you are faced with the inevitable Divorce it is normal to feel numb. You might isolate yourself from your family and friends at this stage and it will be an effort to get through each day.

Denial

We are advised by fundis on this subject that denial is caused by our psyche going into survival mode and trying to shield us. You may try to deny that divorce is inevitable and cling to a hope of working things out; trying to prove that the threat of divorce is not serious. Unfortunately, denial is strong and can give false hope - even if you’re in an abusive situation or your partner has walked out on you and made their intentions clear.

Anger and Resentment

After denial, and once you realise that the threat of divorce is real, feelings you have been burying rise to the surface. It is now that you start the necessary emotional reactions of the grieving process.

Anger is a welcome change from the nothingness that you experienced during the denial stage.

You might start questioning why it happened. Also, the blame game usually begins during this stage. Often, friends, family, or colleagues may find themselves accused.

However, the real anger is usually aimed at your partner. But, if there is another party involved, you may want revenge and start plotting how to get back at them legally – or otherwise. You could feel like a victim with feelings of helplessness.

Bargaining

This phase is a last ditch effort to stop the divorce. A spouse may beg the other to stay; they might promise to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. This is fairly unrealistic but divorce-related bargaining is full of such behaviour and habit changing promises – not to mention deals offered to overlook the other person’s cheating or abuse. This is because you have now arrived at the stage where you think you’ll do anything to return to your life the way it was prior to commencement of divorce.

Guilt

Self blame and recrimination is next. Maybe you didn’t do enough to keep the marriage together and prevent the divorce. Maybe it was all your fault. Maybe you deserve this feeling of abject misery. For all the regret you will feel during this stage, for all the responsibility you may take upon your shoulders, you will eventually arrive at the realisation that you cannot turn back the clock. You have no option but to move forward.

Depression and Sadness

When you finally arrive at the realisation that all deals are off the table as far as bargaining is concerned, and guilt is a waste of time, depression is next.

This will probably affect your ability to focus or concentrate on anything; also you could have difficulty making decisions.  You might experience mood swings, insomnia or oversleeping, loss of appetite or overeating and fatigue. Also, you might find yourself constantly remembering times when the marriage was happier. These are all common symptoms of depression – which is a normal part of the grieving process and not the same as clinical depression or mental disorder.

As you grasp that divorce is inevitable, sadness usually kicks in. Now you begin to understand that divorce is the best option, but you still feel depressed. At first, it might feel as if you can't get through it, yet the sadness will make it easier for you if you let your feelings out. Allow yourself to cry; maybe keep a diary during this time of how you feel, and even talking to supportive family members and friends could all be helpful to you.

Acceptance and Hope

With acceptance, arrives hope and heralds the end of the grieving process. Starting to accept the loss and learning to live with it, means that you will begin to emerge from your self-imposed isolation, and once again to take pleasure in those activities that you enjoyed before divorce. It also means that you will be able to talk about the divorce with a positive and realistic attitude.

This does not mean that you are OK with the divorce or that you are over it. It simply indicates that you have accepted the reality of it and are moving on. It means that you are letting go of the past and not allowing the divorce to be your main focus.

As you begin your new life, you could feel that you are betraying your ex spouse – and that is quite normal. However, you must continue with your life making the necessary adjustments and your grief will not get the better of you. Instead, you’ll find yourself focusing on living in the present as a single person and creating future plans

It is important to understand that your life has changed significantly and that things will never be the same again. However, it is even more important to believe that life will continue and that you have hope of finding a good and lasting form of happiness.

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