As a newly single parent, the thought of dating can be quite daunting. We’ve all watched the movies that depict this situation and seen that we can laugh and be happy and it all works out well in the end. However, we’re grown-up enough to know that movies are basically fantasies and it’s a different story in real life.

We Can Work It Out

Your children are insecure and could have developed abandonment issues. They’ll certainly have something to say about you going out on dates. Not only will you have to deal with their anxiety in a fairly open, honest, rational and very re-assuring manner; you will have to deal with your own fears and apprehensions. Instead of appearing needy, neglected and negative, your demeanour should be that of a cool, calm and collected person who can laugh and be warm and spontaneous – and someone who is in control of themselves and their situation.

Below we discuss some of the concerns of your children when you begin dating after divorce.

Try To See It Their Way

Your children have just suffered the loss of one parent. Despite the fact that they may see this parent on a regular basis, the parent no longer lives in the family home with them. No matter how much they tell you that they understand and it’s OK, they still regard this as a loss that they feel intensely. A constant has been removed from their lives.

So, naturally, when the parent, with whom they live, starts dating it creates anxiety for them. They fear further changes and losses – which is understandable on their part. They could become withdrawn, and rebellious or clingy towards you – it is different for each child depending on their age and personality. They hold on to the hope that their parents will reunite so they are resentful when other parties are brought in to the equation. They also fear they will lose your love and attention and become less important in your life. They are confused and feel displaced.

Children cannot take an adult approach and discuss these fears openly with you; in fact they will often hide their worries away from you and pretend that all is well with them. You are the adult and you will have to give your children all the love and understanding, support and re-assurance that they so desperately need but cannot request.

Ten Steps to Success

First: Tell them you will always love them and that their relationship with you will also be as special as it is today. Keep on reassuring them of this. It will make them feel a little more secure and less frightened.

Second: Spend a set period of time with each of them separately each day – even if it’s only 15 or twenty minutes a day. That tells the child that they are important and you are keeping your word – so it builds better bonding and better trust. During this time don’t talk about yourself or your dates. This is all about them. Give all your attention to them and their conversation about themselves.

Third: Let them talk about themselves and their ideas and feelings – even about you dating. Encourage them to express themselves openly and honestly – even if they speak of hostility, resentment or anger. They need to release their frustrations and once they have expressed themselves freely they are less likely to bottle things up and become intense and withdrawn.

Fourth: Don’t introduce your children to your dates. It could be a big mistake. At the moment you don’t know how long this current relationship will last and because they are not complicated like adults, your innocent children could well like your date and then suffer a further loss when things don’t work out. Plus – look at the lesson you’re teaching them. Be discreet: protect your children and do not bring your dates home.

Five: Proceed very slowly when you feel it’s time to make introductions. Talk to your children in advance and explain to them what to expect and ask for their co-operation with their good behaviour. Explain to them that they do not have to like your date but just be respectful. Explain that your date will never be as important to you in the way that they are.

Six:  Your morals are on show. Please, be very careful about the example you are now setting. Never forget that your children will discuss you now with other children and imitate you in later life. Bear in mind that when your teenage children’s own sexuality becomes emergent, they could well copy any or all of your behaviour. You are a role model to your children.

Seven: Don’t let your dates stay overnight and don’t engage in any sexual activity in your family home until the relationship has progressed much further and your children have become much better acquainted with your date.

Eight: Don’t let your date have any authority over your children for a very long time: at least until there has been further integration into the family. The disciplinary system already established with your children should not change just because of your relationship. However, when necessary, apply the appropriate discipline to your children in the present of your significant other.

Nine: If you start spending more time with your significant other; then you should start to consider letting them spend more time with your children. This requires planning – especially if your significant other also has children from a previous marriage. At this stage you might want everyone to meet each other and therefore it might be a good idea to consider getting counselling or another form of professional advice to assist a smooth introduction and interaction between the families. This could be necessary if your children are still haunted with unresolved grief and guilt over the past.

Ten: Single parenting can be demanding and exhausting but when it’s handled right it can also be a great blessing. Communication is your most important objective. If you and your children can establish and maintain an open and honest dialogue then half the battle is already won! Don’t waste time with blame, fault and guilt. Count your blessings instead; be positive and look forward towards the future.