Baby Steps

If you think of a baby in transition from crawling on the floor to toddling, then that’s about where you are at this stage of events. You want to stand up but you’re scared of falling back down again. You know for sure you won’t be able to actually walk properly. However, if you take patience and courage in each hand, they’ll support you along the way.

Had it occurred to you that to avoid dating or other situations for which you are simply not ready, all you have to do is say that you’re not yet ready for that. People should understand immediately and, if not and if they think they know better than you, stand firm. It is what it is – you’re not ready.

Pre-Date Before You Date

This is the first stage of the transition where you have coffee with someone at a public place. You arrive separately and leave separately and alone. It’s not that stressful and it’s good practice. You can spend months or more doing this: meeting in public places (art galleries, libraries, restaurants, coffee houses, etc) and leaving alone. However, you have to be fair to yourself and stick to the alone part no matter how tempting the ‘what-iffs’ might seem.

Avoid The Heavies

The temptation is always there to get deeply involved again quickly. It might feel good and give you instant gratification but, those first relationships that get big and heavy too quickly almost always end just as fast and you’ll be left alone again and feeling worse than you did after your divorce.

Date But Don’t Mate

Once you do start dating again, take it easy. Don’t go looking for another mate for more than another six months. Of course you’ll feel the need to fill the gap left in your life – that’s normal; just don’t do it yet and don‘t make that your focus. People usually head for one extreme or the other – they will either become hermits or try to date everyone just to prove they’re seen as attractive. It’s like the swimming pool: some put their toe in and test the water – sometimes it’s cold and they don’t try that again for a long time. Others dive straight in and brave the water - after the initial shock, they just keep going. There are still others who sit by the pool and never test it.

Remember that baby – this is where you’re standing up and maybe taking a step or two at most. Just go out and enjoy yourself and keep it friendly and light. Each step you take will be difficult at first but don’t give up: keep practising. Once you’re comfortable with one stage you can progress to the next one.

Coercion and Confusion

It’s important you don’t let anyone try to force you into that which you are not yet ready for. There are many well meaning friends who will try to push you into something you’re not ready for.  So if you feel uncomfortable, just say no.

Remember, you have normal needs – don’t confuse dating with those. The basic needs you have as in: being with people; a security blanket (confidant); and to be touched, can all be satisfied by a real friend. These are needs that should not be dealt with through dating. In fact, that kind of dating could compound them. Imagine pouring out your heart and all those intimate details to a new date and watching them getting turned off. Keep the dating scene separate.

Relationship Addict

Even if you weren’t one before you got married – you are now. This means that you are going through quite a painful withdrawal. Sometimes, the pain is so bad that instead of continuing on to the next stage, you find a substitute drug. Almost anything will seem preferable to the pain of withdrawal.  So you dive headfirst right into another relationship.

Unfortunately, this merely delays the pain. You’re in such a rush to find a new partner that you settle on almost anyone who makes you feel attractive, desirable and needed again. Sadly, this new relationship is just a rescue need for you and will likely end up bringing you more pain that you initially had.

Further, every time you have contact with your Ex, it’s like a hurting, sobering drunk finding themselves inside a bottle store. The temptation is too great to resist and yet, to postpone getting sober is to postpone the inevitable pain.

Unless you are twice blessed and almost immediately find and maintain a new relationship for the rest of your life, you will not succeed in avoiding the pain of withdrawal. Therefore, it’s so much better for you if you can just work through it one step at a time. Again, just like the baby in the beginning, soon you’ll be walking upright and unaided and then the world’s your oyster: now that’s something to strive for.

When you are ready to receive it and enjoy it, your next big and important relationship will find its own way to you – and you’ll be happier than you ever were before.