Most children don’t immediately adjust well to divorce – it takes time. They need a good deal of reassurance and very careful and considerate handling. Divorcing parents don’t always realise that their divorce is affecting their children just as much as it does them.

Children of divorce are on a roller coaster of emotions; and sometimes, quite without intention, they can cause even the best of divorces to seem chaotic. Some of their negative reactions are quite extreme: they throw tantrums; become withdrawn and reclusive; go on hunger strikes; cry, sob and wail; get terribly angry; and say and shout terrible things.

Minor Children can go out of control even when the divorce is civilised without any form of abuse or negativity. Occasionally they will become horribly stubborn and flat refuse to leave one parent to go to the other parent's house at the appropriate time.

When you’re in the middle of the ‘hand over’ and this happens it’s easy for you to become angry and negative yourself but, rather than that, there are other ways in which to handle such a situation.

Speak Well of Your Ex

Minor Children are incapable of understanding the situation. They feel insecure and out of control. All they want to do is to please you. Sometimes they think they might disappoint you by ‘going to the other side’. They might feel this way because of some of the negative things you’ve said about your Ex. If, most of the time, you are saying bad things about your Ex and now you want them to visit that Ex – they will be fearful about going to visit in case all of the things you said, are true and happen to them on this visit. Tell your child that getting divorced doesn’t mean the other parent is a bad person. Think of good and positive things to say about your Ex – after all – they are the other parent.

Encourage Your Child to Visit

When you tell your child you’ll be lonely without them, or that you’re sad they’re leaving you, you’re actually sending the message that you don’t want them to go. You’re making them feel guilty about leaving you – as though they are abandoning you.

Encourage your child to visit their other parent. Let them see the visit has your approval. Tell them you’ll miss them but you’ll use the alone time to do something for yourself.

A Child Needs Its Own Space at Both Homes

When the setup at the other home is completely different to their normal living situation, it may be difficult for the child to adjust – even for a short period of time. If they have to share a room or sleeping space with their other parent they may not feel comfortable about it and may resist the visit because of this. Communicate with your Ex and try to eradicate this or any similar situation which could cause your child discomfort.

Don’t Use Your Child As a Go-Between

Ensure that you never use your child as a go-between messenger to your Ex. Children should be involved in this way. They are not equipped for this kind of thing and it could well influence their feelings towards you and about their visits.

Get Your Child To Talk

Communicate with your child. Let them know it’s a good idea to talk to you and that you will really listen. Once you get your child to share their feelings with you and open up to you, then you could learn that the reason for the reluctance to visit was a complete misunderstanding. Maybe the other parent doesn’t allow them to sleep with the light on. Maybe the other parent doesn’t make them feel safe or welcome. It could be a very simple and easily corrected matter, but you’ll never know until you share some open communication with your child, and children are always afraid to tell in case you get angry with them.

Keep in Contact with Your Absent Child

Make sure that you contact your child when they are away visiting your Ex. Let them know that you are looking forward to their return, and reassure them that you are doing well. When your child is at home with you, encourage them to call the other parent whenever they want to.

Don’t Let Your Child Feel Left Out

If you are the Ex whom the child visits, then make sure you get actively involved with your child on those visits. If you are always involved doing things that don’t include your child then they will feel left out and will not want to visit you.

Keep Trying

Children take a long time to truly adjust to new situations. So children who are caused to live in two households need patience, understanding and encouragement. With the right set of circumstances and with both parents working towards creating a harmonious situation, eventually the child will adapt and accept. Give them lots of love and positivity and time will bring its own rewards.